Eating Disorder Recovery- HOW I KNEW IT WAS TIME TO TELL MY STORY

When people discuss their own diet and hatred for their bodies, or begin to compare themselves to others, I am no longer plagued by strong thoughts of self-criticism and hatred. Instead, I feel sadness for people in our toxic society who are victimized by the beliefs of the diet culture, not knowing that they have other options than to hate themselves. Instead, I lower the volume on my own cruel ED thoughts and allow compassion for myself, and others, then I do what I can to show up authentically.I’ve been in eating disorder recovery for 2 years.

In April 2021, my purging had become so regular that my body struggled to keep down any food. I had gone from puking 3-5 times per week, in February 2021, to puking 3-5 times per day in April, and then finally, to not being able to physically eat or drink without puking.

At first, I was proud of myself for not "needing" food. I had finally accomplished what I had been hoping to; a way to completely control what went in and out of my body. I weighed myself daily and noticed how my body looked before and after each purge, and I felt a sense of pride as I perceived my body to ‘shrink’. The problem was that the number on the scale never changed, and if it did, it increased. I learned the biology of starvation later, but at the time I believed I was a failure. I couldn’t even starve myself correctly.

I became increasingly frustrated, and my mental health was already hitting an all-time low, but I refused to give up what I had worked so hard to cultivate.

My 26th birthday was my worst birthday. I was so low mentally and could not imagine celebrating with friends or family or even my partner celebrating me.

I was a failure; why was I worthy of celebration?

I was sad and I was hungry.

The night of my birthday we ordered a nice dinner, and I was honestly excited; I hadn’t eaten properly in weeks. I picked my takeout dinner (since I didn’t want to go out), and after a few bites, I realized I couldn’t keep the food in my stomach. I was nauseated and experiencing physical pain. My body was rejecting food. This time I wasn’t even trying to get rid of it. That was the moment I realized I was in trouble.

It had been several weeks of being unable to keep food in my body, and I was driven by my extreme fear of consuming calories. At this point in an eating disorder, you don’t realize how much of your day is reduced to thinking about food and planning meals, planning how to avoid those meals, or how to eat and get rid of the food without drawing attention. A couple of days after my birthday I panic emailed my therapist explaining my situation- there was blood in my vomit and my throat was so raw I could barely speak.

---

May 2021 was the beginning of my recovery.

I have never experienced a more difficult year. I was finishing my Master's in Psychotherapy, trying to figure out what to do for work, and I was still coming into my everyday life as a seemingly "healthy" person. My partner and close friends were my rock. I kept my circle small and only looped in the people whom I knew would help me through my healing and provide a safe space. I had a lot of difficult conversations with my family.

March 18th, 2022 was the last time I purged.

These days I often get the comment, “Oh good, so you’re over that now?”. At the beginning of recovery, this comment would have made me defensive, hurt, and possibly triggered my “spiral” again. Today I chuckle.

Instead, I want people to know:

No, I’m not “over it” now. Every single day I hear the overly critical ED thoughts, the pressure to purge and restrict for relief and control, even for a fleeting moment. Every single day I make the conscious decision to choose myself over other people- their thoughts of me, opinions of my body and health, and their words. Every day I remind myself that I deserve to exist no matter what my body looks like and that I do not have to make myself smaller for the comfort of others; that I am more than my body.

I realized I was ready to tell my story when comments like “Oh, so you’re over that now” no longer made me defensive or feel attacked. Instead, I took the opportunity to educate and share my experience.

When people discuss their own diet and hatred for their bodies, or begin to compare themselves to others, I am no longer plagued by strong thoughts of self-criticism and hatred. Instead, I feel sadness for people in our toxic society who are victimized by the beliefs of the diet culture, not knowing that they have other options than to hate themselves. Instead, I lower the volume on my own cruel ED thoughts and allow compassion for myself, and others, then I do what I can to show up authentically.

I realized I was ready to tell my story when Authentic Taylor started showing up in my life vs. ED taking control.

I realized I was ready to tell my story when I was no longer fuelled by shame and sadness.

I am now able to rely on both my grief and my passion as people around me begin to speak negatively about themselves or others.

I actively stopped or redirected the discussion of diet culture.

I will not accept comments about other people’s health being determined by weight or size.

If you are body-shaming someone, it says nothing about the other person, but it tells me a great deal about your own struggles with your body.

I realized I was ready to tell my story when I was fuelled by my anger and determination, rather than hindered by it, to do better for all parts of myself and my tiny piece of the world. I refuse to stay idle with the knowledge I have gained, and my own personal experiences, and allow the toxic belief that size and weight determine a person’s worth, to dominate our societal narrative.

Unfortunately, eating disorders are never fully “healed” or “recovered”. I will never be free of these conditioned negative thoughts, but I’ve learned to lower the volume on the voice inside me that says, “You are not enough”, and instead focus on what truly matters to me. Now, I can tell my story openly and without shame.

I wear my struggles and all my scars as a rebellious and daring act. I invite the conversation to educate people on the radical idea of body acceptance and body neutrality, health at every size (HAES), and our worth as being more than how others perceive our physical body.

My story is here to encourage questions and promote education in hopes that one day we will exist in a world where our worth is not determined by making ourselves smaller.

After 28 years, I will no longer make myself smaller for others' comfort. I've come to finally take up the space I deserve without apology.

*If you read the last line and did not interpret ‘space’ as more than physical, please take time to assess your own biases.*